Proms of Innocence and Experience--Reprint
Since our prom is tomorrow night, I thought I'd reprint my previous posting on the subject. Though it may seem that society has utterly abandoned the image of marriage I propose in the commentary, I stand by it as the only vision of prom and of marriage that gives hope to civilization. As my friend Rif Charles puts it, our choice is either right back up or left on down.
Proms of Innocence
A She: The prom has to be perfect. Perfection means being asked by the cutest boy in the class above me, spending weeks getting ready for the best night of my life so that every girl in the room will envy my dress and my luck in having such a gorgeous date. But it won’t be luck, really, but the reward of all my hopes and dreams, and if it all goes the way I want it to, he will dance me to the stars, and—who knows?—maybe it will lead to our being lovers forever. I can’t wait for the prom!
A He: The prom has to be perfect. Perfection means asking the cutest girl in the class below me, spending a fortune getting ready for the best night of my life so that every guy in the room will envy my suavity and my luck in having such a gorgeous date. But it won’t be luck, really, but the reward of all my expenses and planning, and if it all goes the way I want it to, she will let me French-kiss her, and—who knows?—maybe it will lead to our making love that night. I can’t wait for the prom!
B She: I hope we have fun at the prom. He’s not the cutest boy in my class, but I like him. I hope he likes my dress. He’s sort of shy underneath. If I can just get him to laugh early in the evening, we’ll both relax and have a better time. I have to remember not to be disappointed if we don’t dance to the swing numbers; he thinks he’s not good at swing. I hope he did well on that exam yesterday. I won’t bring it up unless he does. But he doesn’t seem to hold onto stuff like that, so maybe it doesn’t matter. I can’t wait to see him in his tux!
B He: I hope we have fun at the prom. She’s the nicest girl in my class, and she makes me laugh. I hope she likes the corsage. She’s so easy to be with. I hope we can get through the first dance without my stepping on her toe or something. Where will I put my hands in the slow dances so she doesn’t think I’m being fresh? I hope she did well on that exam yesterday. I won’t bring it up unless she does. But I don’t think she really gets upset about stuff like that, so maybe I can ask her. I can’t wait to see her all dressed up!
Proms of Experience
A She: What a horrible night. That noisy band and that repulsive food. I never want to see him again, or that—I’m not even going to say her name. How dare he agree to dance with her when he’s supposed to be with me? And how dare she tell him what happened over three weeks ago with—I don’t want to think about it. What a baboon to close my dress in the car door. And those stupid jokes of his. What were all his jock friends laughing at? How dare he think I was the kind of girl who would—why didn’t I say no when he asked me; I might have been asked by—what an awful prom.
A He: What a horrible night. That clueless band and the waiter taking my plate away before I was even done eating. I will never go out with her again. That friend of hers is ten times better looking, and obviously liked me. How can I get her number? Imagine saying she’d go to prom with me when only three weeks ago—oh who cares what she did with him. She didn’t even get my jokes. What were all her stupid friends giggling about? Who does she think she is, hanging on me all night and then not even letting me kiss her? Instead of her I should have asked—what an awful prom.
B She: What a great prom! The band was ok and the food was good. He looked so gorgeous in that tux, and his laugh is really infectious. I wish I hadn’t let the corner of my dress get stuck in the car door; he was so apologetic, I felt bad for him. And how stupid I was not to get his joke about—but at least he didn’t rub it in. Anyway, it was fun. Watching him dance that one dance with—what a good dancer he is. He is such a gentleman too, and so are his friends. The way he looked at me when he came back to the table—I think he really liked my dress. I hope he calls me tomorrow. I can’t wait to thank him for a wonderful evening.
B He: What a great prom! The band was ok and there was a lot of food. She was so gorgeous I couldn’t stop looking at her, and she’s so funny too. What a dork I was to catch the corner of her dress in the car door, but she was so nice about it and didn’t seem to care at all. And why did I have to tell that stupid joke about—I hope she didn’t think I was trying to show off. Anyway, it was fun. She is so lively and relaxed at the same time. I like her friends too. The way she looked at me when I came back after having to dance with—I think she meant it about how good I looked in my tux. I’m going to call her tomorrow to thank her for a wonderful evening. Maybe she’ll want to go to a movie next week.
Commentary
Like commencement, the ceremony celebrating graduation from childhood learning to adult, the prom is a ceremonial graduation too, from childhood social relations into adult, where male and female, united to one another as individuals, also take their place in that larger society composed of couples.
Formal dress, courteous behavior, traditional gestures—the corsage, the opening and closing of doors, the dinner, the dancing, the feminine whispers and male bonhomie during temporary separations, the attentiveness and good humor in rejoining—all these are the forms in which two unions are practiced as a kind of initiation into the life of marriage in society:
One is the ceremonially acknowledged joining of a young man and a young woman on a personal date that (however remotely) prefigures wedding. The other is the ceremonially acknowledged joining of each couple with all other couples in a collective date that (however remotely) represents society’s foundation upon marriage. Courtesy toward one’s date ceremonially represents the personal love upon which marriage is built. Prom traditions ceremonially represent the courtesy of couples upon which society is built.
Eros underlies and energizes both these kinds of union without in itself compromising their meaning. The prom, like marriage, like society, is in part a harnessing and channeling of eros in the name of civilization. Nor does it matter whether the prom date eventually becomes the spouse. (And none of this disparages those individuals who, for whatever reasons, do not or cannot participate in the ceremony.)
The point here is that the prom’s ceremonial civilization of eros is corrupted when the envisioning of it is hijacked by sentimentality, whether of the romantic (A She) or the erotic (A He) kind, which turns it into a mere wish fulfillment fantasy. No evening can possibly live up to such expectations—and a good thing too, considering how socially and spiritually impoverished are the people imagined in and imagining it.
Eros is active in both couples. But Couple A is doomed to disappointment, in the prom and in life, until they graduate from self-centeredness to civilized human kindness. It is for Couple B that the prom may both be a true pleasure and become a joyful memory. Upon them, as upon a solid foundation, society may rightly hope to build its future.
Proms of Innocence
A She: The prom has to be perfect. Perfection means being asked by the cutest boy in the class above me, spending weeks getting ready for the best night of my life so that every girl in the room will envy my dress and my luck in having such a gorgeous date. But it won’t be luck, really, but the reward of all my hopes and dreams, and if it all goes the way I want it to, he will dance me to the stars, and—who knows?—maybe it will lead to our being lovers forever. I can’t wait for the prom!
A He: The prom has to be perfect. Perfection means asking the cutest girl in the class below me, spending a fortune getting ready for the best night of my life so that every guy in the room will envy my suavity and my luck in having such a gorgeous date. But it won’t be luck, really, but the reward of all my expenses and planning, and if it all goes the way I want it to, she will let me French-kiss her, and—who knows?—maybe it will lead to our making love that night. I can’t wait for the prom!
B She: I hope we have fun at the prom. He’s not the cutest boy in my class, but I like him. I hope he likes my dress. He’s sort of shy underneath. If I can just get him to laugh early in the evening, we’ll both relax and have a better time. I have to remember not to be disappointed if we don’t dance to the swing numbers; he thinks he’s not good at swing. I hope he did well on that exam yesterday. I won’t bring it up unless he does. But he doesn’t seem to hold onto stuff like that, so maybe it doesn’t matter. I can’t wait to see him in his tux!
B He: I hope we have fun at the prom. She’s the nicest girl in my class, and she makes me laugh. I hope she likes the corsage. She’s so easy to be with. I hope we can get through the first dance without my stepping on her toe or something. Where will I put my hands in the slow dances so she doesn’t think I’m being fresh? I hope she did well on that exam yesterday. I won’t bring it up unless she does. But I don’t think she really gets upset about stuff like that, so maybe I can ask her. I can’t wait to see her all dressed up!
Proms of Experience
A She: What a horrible night. That noisy band and that repulsive food. I never want to see him again, or that—I’m not even going to say her name. How dare he agree to dance with her when he’s supposed to be with me? And how dare she tell him what happened over three weeks ago with—I don’t want to think about it. What a baboon to close my dress in the car door. And those stupid jokes of his. What were all his jock friends laughing at? How dare he think I was the kind of girl who would—why didn’t I say no when he asked me; I might have been asked by—what an awful prom.
A He: What a horrible night. That clueless band and the waiter taking my plate away before I was even done eating. I will never go out with her again. That friend of hers is ten times better looking, and obviously liked me. How can I get her number? Imagine saying she’d go to prom with me when only three weeks ago—oh who cares what she did with him. She didn’t even get my jokes. What were all her stupid friends giggling about? Who does she think she is, hanging on me all night and then not even letting me kiss her? Instead of her I should have asked—what an awful prom.
B She: What a great prom! The band was ok and the food was good. He looked so gorgeous in that tux, and his laugh is really infectious. I wish I hadn’t let the corner of my dress get stuck in the car door; he was so apologetic, I felt bad for him. And how stupid I was not to get his joke about—but at least he didn’t rub it in. Anyway, it was fun. Watching him dance that one dance with—what a good dancer he is. He is such a gentleman too, and so are his friends. The way he looked at me when he came back to the table—I think he really liked my dress. I hope he calls me tomorrow. I can’t wait to thank him for a wonderful evening.
B He: What a great prom! The band was ok and there was a lot of food. She was so gorgeous I couldn’t stop looking at her, and she’s so funny too. What a dork I was to catch the corner of her dress in the car door, but she was so nice about it and didn’t seem to care at all. And why did I have to tell that stupid joke about—I hope she didn’t think I was trying to show off. Anyway, it was fun. She is so lively and relaxed at the same time. I like her friends too. The way she looked at me when I came back after having to dance with—I think she meant it about how good I looked in my tux. I’m going to call her tomorrow to thank her for a wonderful evening. Maybe she’ll want to go to a movie next week.
Commentary
Like commencement, the ceremony celebrating graduation from childhood learning to adult, the prom is a ceremonial graduation too, from childhood social relations into adult, where male and female, united to one another as individuals, also take their place in that larger society composed of couples.
Formal dress, courteous behavior, traditional gestures—the corsage, the opening and closing of doors, the dinner, the dancing, the feminine whispers and male bonhomie during temporary separations, the attentiveness and good humor in rejoining—all these are the forms in which two unions are practiced as a kind of initiation into the life of marriage in society:
One is the ceremonially acknowledged joining of a young man and a young woman on a personal date that (however remotely) prefigures wedding. The other is the ceremonially acknowledged joining of each couple with all other couples in a collective date that (however remotely) represents society’s foundation upon marriage. Courtesy toward one’s date ceremonially represents the personal love upon which marriage is built. Prom traditions ceremonially represent the courtesy of couples upon which society is built.
Eros underlies and energizes both these kinds of union without in itself compromising their meaning. The prom, like marriage, like society, is in part a harnessing and channeling of eros in the name of civilization. Nor does it matter whether the prom date eventually becomes the spouse. (And none of this disparages those individuals who, for whatever reasons, do not or cannot participate in the ceremony.)
The point here is that the prom’s ceremonial civilization of eros is corrupted when the envisioning of it is hijacked by sentimentality, whether of the romantic (A She) or the erotic (A He) kind, which turns it into a mere wish fulfillment fantasy. No evening can possibly live up to such expectations—and a good thing too, considering how socially and spiritually impoverished are the people imagined in and imagining it.
Eros is active in both couples. But Couple A is doomed to disappointment, in the prom and in life, until they graduate from self-centeredness to civilized human kindness. It is for Couple B that the prom may both be a true pleasure and become a joyful memory. Upon them, as upon a solid foundation, society may rightly hope to build its future.
posted by G.Rap | 7:05 AM
3 Comments:
Dear class of 2007 (and '08),
I say this after a fifteen-hour shift, ten years from where you are, and in the midst of a great relationship I never could have had in high school (or college or grad school or med school).
So. As advice is a form of nostalgia, I will say this following:
There is a 99 percent chance you will not end up with the person you go to prom with. There is also a 99 percent chance that you will find someone (else) to date in college. There is no rush here.
So. With this in mind, slow down. You have your whole life to sleep around and get drunk and anger authorities, unless you do something dumb and wind up expelled or dead on prom night.
With pacing job 1, please don't lose your virginity at prom. Do it before or after, but not on. (Same for your wedding night.)
(As we know from New Year's Eve and Valentine's Day, little is more annoying than expected happiness, except, say, expected sexual congress. Talk about ruining the moment.)
Prom is one of those awful stepping stones on the way to adulthood, where you have to wear a tie, not stick your hand up the girl's dress, chew your food, and open car doors. And you may do this with a modicum of dignity, or you may vomit in the parking lot.
Long story short, if prom passes without a new STD or a wrecked car, you're doing very well. (The bar is even lower for men at their weddings. Wear a tux. Show up. Do not vomit. Success.)
I don't remember much from my prom, and I was sober. I remember it was nice. That's about it. It's a stepping stone. And a very nice one at that, but only if you don't screw up.
-Dr. LVT
PS: I'm glad you're all 17 so I don't have to be any more. It was too much work. You couldn't pay me to go to prom again. But I'm glad I went.
I guess I should through my romantic and erotic hopes out the window. If I set my expectations low enough I'll never be disappointed! Thanks to this post, I'll never have a sexual fantasy about a girl again. But you could definitely pay me to go to prom again. Hey, free food.
No doubt Anonymous meant "throw" not "through." But his complaint is silly. First of all, my point was precisely to distinguish between merely erotic and fully romantic hopes. Second, there is no reason to banish sexual fantasy from the prom and certainly no possibility of doing so. The question is whether the prom itself exists merely to arouse such fantasies and promise their merely animal fulfillment, or whether it exists to prepare the young to convert the energy of those fantasies into marital happiness and civilization. And poor indeed would be the libido of Anonymous if either my posting or a civilizing prom could cure him of sexual fantasy!
Post a Comment
<< Home